Sacagawea was the original milf.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
