haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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