every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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