Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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