My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
