I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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