Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
