well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize