i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Randomize
