New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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