chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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