Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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