Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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