Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
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