And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
