Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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