I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
