i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize