He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
