I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You are the jesus of drinking
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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