i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Randomize
