well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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