ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
