i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
pray to the hookup gods
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize