i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
