U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
