Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
