Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
