got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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