i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
