Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
