i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
