I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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