Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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