Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
