You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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