I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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