all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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