fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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