worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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