The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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