I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
