Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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