dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
