If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
