I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize