matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
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