My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
