someone threw a dead crab at me
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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