Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
