Porn is love you can see.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize