dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Thank you for not boning my boss.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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