thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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