i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
