Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
