you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
my shit smells like andre
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
