I skipped work to stalk him.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
