If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
