Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
