new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
