I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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