remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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