i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
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