if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
