I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
