Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I look better un-naked...
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
