After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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