I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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